someone get that fucking seahorse.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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