Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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