Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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