i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
