Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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