I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
