It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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