Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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