He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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