I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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