I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
