I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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