What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I want to be your penis for a week.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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