Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
