my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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