just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
