He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
