I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
