I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
