I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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