yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
