Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
