i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
