Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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