puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
