I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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