I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
