a queef is a wish your heart makes.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Randomize
