i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
