I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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