Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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