Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
