two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
