So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
