Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
