if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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