talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
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