Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
