I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
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