I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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