My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
