What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
