Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
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