I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
