I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
