theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
be right there i have to get my cape
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
