If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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