My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
