I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
