She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
