I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
