Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
