Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
