I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
