I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
