$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
